My birthday wish

The past few weeks has been a blur of events... my bed being the silent witness of my frustrations and tears. It just dawned on me how I really am not fit for "politicking". I've dreamt of being a doctor, someone who'd be God's hands in healing people. That dream came true... It became reality. You see in my dream, I didn't worry of the "financial capacity" of my patients. In my dream, I was able to treat the people who need it most. In my dream, the doctors worked with each other. In my dream, people got well. Families were close. Families cared for each other.People understood that we had to take care of a critically ill patient first before attending to patients who are well enough to wait. In my dream, in my dream. That was just in my dream. 

In reality, I can't even give medicines to patients who cannot pay. I am limited to what they are financially capable of. In real life, there is this unspoken rule of seniorship among doctors, which in truth I do understand. What bothers me most is that one must really expect you to do a comprehensive truthful history in a patient who is in distress and family members who are in a panic. Maybe I do have to sharpen my skills in that. But then, if I am expected to do a full neurologic history and examination of the patient while trying to stabilize the patients condition and balancing your time with other patients who are ill at ease waiting at the emergency room, and then have a hard time endorsing the patient to the one who is in training for such specialty...... it really makes me want to hit the "pause" button and pray that I may be given multiple hands, ears, lips, feet so that I can attend to all. And if this problem cannot be solved by cloning myself, maybe it could be solved by having other residents at the emergency room... but tell me, I beg, why would blocking the entry of residents (i.e. more hands) solve this problem. I do know that there is a flaw in the system. Why not correct that flaw? In reality the emergency room is n emotionally charged room. I understand that. I do feel that. I cannot fault the patients/ relatives for yelling at me. I do feel degraded. Even more degraded of hearing the news... I really feel bad... and in the first time since I've entered medicine, I do not feel like doing my work. Maybe I could do this in a different way, a different environment. 

My birthday wish then... that all will end well. That through this darkness I may see the light that will guide me. Lead me.

How I wish I could go. :(

If I had the time and had the money... I'd probably join in a heartbeat. Maybe someday I'd be able to... :)

To those in Boracay or are going to Boracay this October, and interested in learning from Manny L and Joey L, check out this site. :)

I turn to you

I turn to you
Originally uploaded by smiles4angels

There are thoughts which are prayers.
There are moments when, whatever the posture of the body,
the soul is on its knees.

-=Victor Hugo=-

my perception pesonality

Your result for The Perception Personality Image Test...

NFPS - The Guru

Nature, Foreground, Big Picture, and Shape

You perceive the world with particular attention to nature. You focus on what's in front of you (the foreground) and how that fits into the larger picture. You are also particularly drawn towards the shapes around you. Because of the value you place on nature, you tend to find comfort in more subdued settings and find energy in solitude. You like to deal directly with whatever comes your way without dealing with speculating possibilities or outcomes you can't control. You are in tune with all that is around you and understand your life as part of a larger whole. You prefer a structured environment within which to live and you like things to be predictable.

The Perception Personality Types:

Take The Perception Personality Image Test at HelloQuizzy

niteout

For ticket inquiries:

Dra. Elmarie: +639228372263

Dra. Reg: +639228372519

Suwerte ka!

Time and again I've encountered people of whom I've promised to be the topic of my posts. Well here is one.

I've come from my hospital duty tired from lack of sleep. The tour of duty was not that different from most of my duties... I was told to work faster and probably threatened by way of brusque manner which brought me to choking back my tears. In truth, I cried. It's my only release besides photography of my frustrations. Of those who are not familiar with the medical field, there is this ladder you are to climb ( I suppose in all fields there is) and you start beneath the food chain. In terms of responsibilities and work, if your senior says "jump", you don't have to ask "how high", just jump. But that is what I am used to, today we encounter medical students (clerks/interns) who are not used to work, so imagine the students asking us to do jobs that they are supposed to do. Imagine being at the bottom of the food chain being pushed further down, maybe to nothingness...

In any way, me being myself just took it all in. Cried a little. Wiped my tears and faced my patients red-eyed. In more ways than one, I try to convince myself that everything I go through are for my improvement. For whatever it is, I am yet to know. Thankfully my patients were kind enough not to ask, one even tried to boost my mood after witnessing my near to breakdown event. I am glad that I am reminded that what I am doing is not entirely wrong, that there are people who do appreciate what I do. Looking back my duty is not entirely tiring when it came to work, just from the lack of sleep.

That's not my story. Just a prelude to let you know how much I appreciate what happened to me on my way home. After my duty, I had to stay at the hospital to complete my other responsibilities (census). It was past 9 that I left the hospital, and wrestled with wanting to stay for another 30 minutes to watch "Cinderella" (the japanese version), yet another one of my de-tox activities. But the lack of sleep won me over so I went on my way home. I have this thing for walking, I love walking. My day won't be complete without it. On my daily route, I pass by Chowking, to which I usually buy my breakfast/lunch/dinner. Entering the fastfood chain, I was glad there were not much customers, meaning I would be leaving with my food, fast. Waiting for my food, I notice another customer who ordered after me, asking the cashier of their other branches preferably near Araneta avenue. I took no interest in that but I was intrigued in how hyper she is versus my dwindling energy at that time. She seats by me and tells me the story of the new BPI freebie system. She tells me of how purchasing at least a thousand pesos with BPI credit card system, you are able to avail free meals at Chowking. She was so thrilled in that she will be able to give whatever freebie she take to her grandchildren and to her other relatives. It was a refreshing conversation as I rarely do have any other conversation with strangers unless they are patients I tend to. She told me of so many things but one thing struck me most is that she was happy that whatever she could take from this she would be able to give to others. And there I was fighting of my sleep when she told me "Alam mo, swerte ka." (You know, you're lucky/in luck). "Po?" was my only answer to that. She told me not to leave for she would be giving me one of the meals she was able to avail. Despite my protests, she was persistent, I finally relented to her when she told me that I shouldn't refuse whatever gift that was being given to me. With repeated "thank you's", we parted ways. I didn't ask for her name. I wanted her to be one of my angels. She didn't realize a far greater gift she gave me. A memory, a reminder I could keep for my lifetime. As for the meal... I hope that it filled an empty stomach.

help!

A quick repost for an online acquiantance...

My pamangkin, Kuya Ken's son Matthew, where we took the other half of the business namesake was abducted last night at Festival Mall in Alabang.

Name: Matthew" Chu-chu" David Samudio

Age: 3 Years Old, Can barely speak straight.

Address: 16 guyabano st umali rd. summitville subdivision putatan muntinlupa city 1770

He was last seen at Tom's World Arcade in Festival Mall Alabang, around 8pm yesterday July 22, 2008 wearing Green Checkered Polo, Maong pants and Green Mr. Bean Slippers.

When we reviewed the surveillance camera in said mall, there was this chubby impoverished looking girl around 12-13 years old wearing a dirtied pink top with floral design and a reddish jogging pants who summoned my nephew and then whispered something to him, then my pamangkin who is very "bibo" readily took her hand as they went out of the said premises.

Guys, I need your help with this, if you know people in the media, police or government agency who might be able to HELP us locate my nephew, I'm begging you, please, please help us. Or at the very least, please pass this message to as many people as possible, who knows where the abductors might have taken him... Matthew is a very sickly kid, he rarely eats unless his yaya feeds him and he was about to have an operation for fluid in his right testis.

If there are any news or lead that can locate my nephew, please help us... Sobrang kawawa ang pamangkin ko, who knows how they are treating him...I dont want this thing happening to any kid so please help my nephew. PLEASE. You can contact my brother at 0923-638-4632.

Thank you so much and God Bless you!

a link back to the original post

we were cordially invited...

we were cordially invited...
Originally uploaded by smiles4angels

one of a few events i am willing to risk my toxic schedule just to got to... congratulations to mai and louie, wishing you many more blessings to come... (hint-hint) :P

even though the traffic was slightly tough... the travel was well worth the wait

finally was able to see abi after a long long while... a lot of tsismis and updates na naikwento... pero syempre waht i did was click away...

of course, the people who really did the interview and update and interrogations was des...

...and chum... Yes, I promise to free up my schedule on Oct 19. :P fingers crossed...

and there's ren... updating us on her lovelife or the lack of it or the hint of it, tama ba? thank you too for the ride

claude was present and looking like a dad... (peace) :). syempre nakumpleto ang "da boys"

one of the main topics of the night was the seemingly year after another wedding celebrations... would the next one be with jimmy?...

or would it be tina...

it was truly a mini-reunion of sorts... till the next meet-up! :P

miss you all!

of course bob! would there be a round of chika-han the coming days?

a little voice, the littlest hands, but every bit of amazing

Browsing through the internet today, i ended up listening and looking through the videos and songs of one amazing singer, Connie Talbot. The first of the videos I watched was of her singing on audition for Britain's Got Talent, at this point her voice was simply angelic and fresh. On her onstage performance though you can her the strain in her voice from practice, but still hearing a six year old belt out such song is amazing. Browsing more through her videos, I ended up with one touching performance, done at Star King Show as shown above... speechless.

Envy

"Why would you feel sorry for someone who gets to opt out of the inane, courteous formalities, which are utterly meaningless, insincere and therefore degrading? This kid doesn’t have to pretend to be interested in your back pain or your excretions or your grandma’s itchy place. Can you imagine how liberating it would be to live a life free of all the mind-numbing social niceties? I don’t pity this kid, I envy him.” 

Dr. Gregory House

In an article featured today in Inquirer, written by Amaris Grace M. Cabason, I too envy people who really gets to not care of minute things. I too have a cousin who is autistic, sadly though, by society's demands, his special needs wasn't met because the probability of him having autism was simply shunned. I cannot blame my relatives though. Eventually through sheer societal pressure they inadvertently met his needs later on when they added extra time for him to learn. REading the article today made me realize that they get to go through life not caring of what other people say about them, but who's to say that they don't experience feelings. Maybe they do, but not in the same degree as "normal" people do. 

Everyday at work, people get to shout for whatever reason they have... People from all walks of life get to do that... and as a doctor I do get to thank people who are patient enough to wait for their turn and it comes from unexpected people... one worth mentioning is a son of a well-known attorney who came in in acute pain, yet waited for his turn to be cared for while I attended to another patient. He didn't ask for a "special treatment" just because he is the son of so and so. Apologizing for the delay he said he understood. I go back to these memories time and again in my futile attempt to remind myself that there is good in everyone. But most of the time I guess I would wish to get to be "someone who gets to opt out of the inane, courteous formalities". It is a such a relief not to think of those...

Over a fence...

Up a dark alley...

Up a quiet street...almost got hit by a car....

She keeps following...

-=Hayao Miyazaki (whisper of the heart)=-

Studio Ghibli has produced most of my favorite anime movies to date, one of which is Whisper of the Heart whose storyline was developed by Hayao Miyazaki based on the manga by Aoi Hiiragi. Time to bring out my copy of films by studio ghibli... need to rest for a while before the next bout of busyness appears. :P happy weekend everyone.

ER: T.he O.ne S.top S.hop ME.dicine (naaaah)

When I entered Emergency Medicine, I had the illusion I would be doing things that I used to watch in the TV series E.R. How wrong I was. Along with technology, Emergency Medicine (EM) has evolved to a one stop shop for patients. I grew up in a province and the only time I've seen the inside of the emergency room was when I was rushed to the hospital because of high grade fever, from what I remember was I was in critical condition then. Connection? Technology has made it possible for people to get answers with just one click or to make things happen with just one push of a button. I've noticed that people who grew up with this exposure are impatient (STOP! Hear me out) as compared to the people who are used to doing things the manual way. Yes, I am used to technology but still I would rather go through the library (nope, not the online version) browse through hundreds of books and read through them.

I am not generalizing the whole health care system in this. I have received patients who simply couldn't afford to wait in line in the clinic simply because they couldn't wait to get their questions answered immediately. They expect it to be as simple as one click of a button. Some patient's I'm grateful to have because they are very willing to be interviewed for a while. Some simply expect that when a person has fever, the automatically have dengue and immediately ask for a CBC. Other kinds of patients just wouldn't want to walk around the different departments for their laboratories to be done. Hence the ER provides a way for them to be catered without them having to walk around.

Science have evolved with technology, yes, there are things we can do now that we aren't able to do before. Then there are things that are done faster than before, which brings me to patients expecting their laboratory results to come out like a instant photo machine. It can be done in some cases but in most cases that wouldn't be the norm. Let me just beg off with this, that some laboratory exams would require chemical reactions to occur, and it takes a while for that to be completed. Hopefully in the future mankind would be able to manufacture a one click diagnostic machine. That would be a great improvement, but still I would like my diagnostic exams to be accurate rather than fast. If being fast would mean more mistakes, I'd rather take a diagnostic examination that would be slow and accurate... but that's just me...

P.S. I still do get to do things that I used to watch at E.R. and maybe more. I get to see a wide range of cases, out-patient, urgent, critical... patients with vague symptoms having more serious problems. I learn, day by day, person by person, patient by patient, case by case.

a project

I've been hard at making a "presentation" for this past week... and my movie maker also decided to be stubborn, so files I've done earlier didn't seem to work. At last an initial output, hopefully will be able to do fix my movie maker or find somene with a movie maker.

An initial upload...just in case. There's something wrong with my movie maker. Hopefully, I would be able to edit this one.

Many thanks to those who allowed me to use their photos. unfortunately, there was a lot that I wanted to use, pero di kasya! :)

Here are the links to the contributors:

JunJazz

First Step

Kamoteus

Fotobumbong

Allan Barredo

Jhun Garcia

Inkblots

Marboysayno

The Housekeeper

Adicsapic

Diosa

DGM Dino

Jobarracuda

Manfrommanila

Laz'andre

Bullish

Jojie Alcantara

If you see any photo that was used without your permission and if I inadvertently missed you name, or you find any mistakes kindly PM me... C and C is welcome. Thank you.

Got Faith?

As I was taking the picture of this man I remembered one of the few things I've read in more than one book/magazine. I'm sure we've heard a lot of "if only" in our conversations with our friends, relatives, acquaintances or even with ourselves. Let's not deny that there are a lot of material "needs" in today's world. Technology has brought itself to be needed by people.

There's this thinking that if one did not get what he wanted, he wouldn't be happy. It's the "if I only had this or that, life would be better, I would be happier" thinking. Most of the time one doesn't realize that a life without that need is much better than having one. The absence of that need becomes a driving factor to such person to be discontented with what he/she has. And it becomes a cycle, you get what you need and with that you'd want more and more and more.

Taking this picture, I pictured myself, needing and needing and needing, and here is a man, crippled. Life hasn't been good for him, and you'd expect him to be this bitter person. Maybe even mumbling "If only I could walk, I would be happier..." But here he is, in a place and a job you'd least expect him to do. Selling faith. Got one? It's a need I'd like to have more and more of.

another day...

a quick post.... trying to clean out each and every account I have in the internet... and of course my computer... its just another way of trying to postpone reading my textbook. :P

far too many goodbyes

... and then yet again, in this part of the circle of life... I find myself reeling from the news as a read the message, never imagining that something like this would happen again and again and again in such short time. I have written this before and I am writing this again. Somehow, it doesn't hurt as much but still a bigger hole is there. An emptiness.

The first this happened was a year ago, and the days that followed once in a while I'd expect my uncle just walk-in the door and ask to borrow one of our books. I know he's gone but then somehow in those early days, I'd still imagine him walking in the gate. The blow it took to my grandma so hard that in the months that followed her health deteriorated. She didn't tell us. She'd just wake up early in the morning and go on with her panata... her routine... then one night, she woke up shouting "matay akon" (I'm dying). We rushed her to the hospital and the following days we discovered that her heart was failing... she's had pneumonia and the worse was that she wouldn't eat... Lola Masa was in and out of the hospital then, I was in back and forth between Manila and Baguio, between studying for the boards and being a caretaker... On the last day of September, she was at home just being discharged from the hospital, I just arrived home, taking a break from review. She was weak for the past days and hated the fact that she had to be dependent on others. She went into arrest a few minutes after I arrived, a few minutes after I said hello... She had to be placed in a respirator to buy time to say goodbye. They've said that at last she smiled, when I said hello, her last smile.

Past the first Christmas and New Year without my uncle and lola, a new routine, a new tradition was being established. I went back to manila to start my residency and furthered too my interest in photography. Just before the first year anniversary of my uncle, I receive yet again another message, Lolo Selo just died... mind reeling, heart pounding... last year was a series of deaths from my mother's side... and now, would it start from my father's side? would it? I hoped it doesn't. I took a controversial leave from my work. It was that time that people told me how proud he was when he read my name among the board passers. Very early in the morning, he went aorund Pangasinan announcing the news. He even arrived at our house waking up the then asleep and unaware household. The phrase I remember most when I was introduced at his wake, "Ay, alam mo ba, nagpamigay sya ng balut nung pumasa ka, tuwang-tuwa at inikot ang barangay hawak ang newspaper". A late time to say thank you. But thank you still.

And now, I think I would have a hard time to take a leave again, but I'll try.

... there's far too many goodbyes... a hello would be nice.

teardrops

It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power.

-=Alan Cohen=-

recall

We cannot change our memories, but we can change their meaning and the power they have over us.

-=David Seamans=-

In times when the day goes sour I favor shutting up going home and going to sleep... and most of the time I wake up refreshed and with a good sense of judging what have happened. That's most of the time... some times I'd need to go out and take photos, detoxify myself...

author

It's been almost a year for me since I've actively took up photography. Being freshly out of medical school I've realized that I've missed a lot of moments in my family's life. Maybe it has been a reason for me to take snapshots almost everyday of my life, maybe its because of the guilt in the back of my mind that I've almost been left out save for some photos they've taken from occasions in our family.

Adding to the guilt is the death of two of my relatives (and another one just recently), that I've decided to keep an archive of memories... to keep me from feeling left out. It has been my bridge to reminding me that I have still a lot more to discover and there are other lives aside from my own...

Starting this blog will hopefully be my repository of memories of my past and the present and of my dreams... thank you to my sister for this photo...

captured

Created with Admarket's flickrSLiDR.