Life Paused

Enveloped

2009-11-28T10:01:00.002+08:00

The best part of traveling back home is seeing the mountains enveloped by "stars" and the clouds. I spent the early morning of Independence day at Marccos Highway taking these photographs.

Wedding Bells

2009-07-28T14:44:00.001+08:00

Around a month ago we were asked to conspire in a wedding proposal, lots of preparation and a lot more prayers happened in between. The plan was for Mark to lure the unsuspecting Melai to a place they've been to before, Luneta.

It was an experience I wouldn't trade for anything else. I am glad I was part of it.

Here's the run down. After a downpour of rain for most of the afternoon, it finally let up. As faith continued to make her moves, Mark and Melai finally arrived. With Gian and Leo innocently taking pictures near Lights and sounds, we waited for the couple to pass by.

Gian then leads Mark and Melai to our "set-up" photo-shoot and introduces everybody else. Not long after, Melai finds herself and Mark as models in an impromptu shoot. They were given props, instructed on poses and dragged to lights and sounds. Unfortunately, the rain had another agenda. It poured.

Back to the original place, Erick tries to give Mark a bit of help as he makes Mark kneel and Melai stand with her back towards Mark. Mark however, had other things in mind, so the cue to propose was missed. Let's just say it's a case of jitters.

Finally as Mark gathers his wits to propose, Melai stands disbelieving the moves away to the astonishment of the whole group. Those few seconds seemed to run on for hours (but the photogs still kept on taking photos). I'm guessing she said yes as they hugged and hugged and hugged...

Thank you to the crew of Lights and Sounds for allowing us to use the vicinity for the surprise. Till next time. :D

Ako Mismo

2009-06-21T20:45:00.002+08:00

The Dog Tag Day of the "Ako Mismo" movement was covered by the Flickristasindios. Thanks to the hardwork and persistence of Mr. Third Gonzales and his wife, Teeny Gonzales.

For more photos, check out this Indios thread.

More information about this movement at their official site and in their facebook account.

Dazers Weekend @ Tiaong & Laiya

2009-05-19T12:22:00.001+08:00

Spent my weekend with the Days with the Lord, St. Luke's Community (plus Baya) conducting a circumcision mission at Tiaong, Quezon. Upon arriving we were given a pre-tuli meal of longganisa and eggs. Given that I planned to shoot it was a sign that I'd be holding scissors and clamps instead. It had been a while since I've stitched up someone so I had my usual 1st case of jitters. Poor 1st kid.

As the day wore on, the kids kept streaming in and the Dazers started to arrive. The pre-clinic tally was 150 but there were people who kept arriving from far barangays. There were children who were relieved when we told them that they couldn't be circumcised (because of anatomical/pathological reasons) ajd there were others who were relieved for their turn to get it over and done with. There were those who, as soon as they lied down started to cry and those who kept crying despite the anesthesia. There were those who cried "aray" and those who cried "ouch" (maybe because he thought that Baya would understand that). There were those who covered their eyes, some stared into nothingness and one just read the newspaper. There were those who called for their moms and those who called for their dads. I couldn't help but notice that it was the parents who were more excited than the kids.

Past 6, I started to notice that aside form the unlimited patients, we had bottomless supplies. So circumcision continued until someone asked "Wala na po bang lidocaine?" Sigh. I could finally see the end of the clinic. Then surprise, surprise another bottle of lidocaine surfaced. It was 8 pm. Finally, someone announced "last 12 patients", the disappointed parents (with their relieved kids) finally ended their wait (but without a fight). We thought that they would start to form a picket line outside the hospital. It was finally, 9:30 when we had our dinner of crabs, squid, monggo and of course dinuguan with banana for dessert...

We finally inched our way toward Laiya (Llamar resort) with sleep first thing in our mind but the last thing we did....

Intramuros: test walk

2009-05-09T22:36:00.001+08:00

I've been working in the outskirts of Intramuros these past 2 weeks. From the start of my work days, I've planned to bring my camera once I get comfortable with my surroundings. The weather however prevented me from doing so. So seeing that the weather might improve this weekend, I happily obliged to a much needed third person to help on the Saturday OT.

Having accomplished the charts, I proceeded to walk around Intramuros at first heading towards the golf course. There were several tiangges set-up beside the fort, and the place I wanted to go to was courdoned off. The clouds starting to form and drops beginning to fall, I made my way towards San Agustin church instead.

I wanted to walk around and make sure that taking photographs were allowed. With the exemption of a few rooms, taking photos is allowed as long as you don't use flash (I've read, or was it watched, that harsh lights could destroy certain documents and/or paintings). So off I go taking photos (more photos in the next few days).

My main aim today was taking photos inside Casa Manila, challenged by our crushed attempt to take photos before. After a go by the guard, I gleefully took out my camera. A few seconds after however, came throng (ok not actually a throng, a few people maybe) of tourists. So I took a few shots and vowed to return on one of my lunch breaks. Weekday. Less people.

I have a few months to make my rounds in Intramuros. So, cross my fingers, for a few good shots. :)

P.S. I have been experimenting on post-processing my photos.

Today the Philippines, Tomorrow the World

2009-05-01T22:06:00.001+08:00

As part of our highschool evaluation, we had to answer a set of questions which would more or less give us an idea of what our work would be in the future. My probable future would involve lots of traveling. At that point in time, I did think that the evaluation was wrong. I hated shuttling back and forth Manila almost every week. It triggered my vertigo so much that I slept most of the trips and woke up only when we reached our stop-overs or destinations. I never did foresee myself living in Manila my college years and more. I did outgrow my vertigo although it was replaced by migraines. I preferred to travel in daylight so that I can see the places around me and everytime I wished I could drive and stop more often than a bus taking in passengers.

Had I discovered that I could go into photography before I finalized my UPCAT, I would've entered UP Diliman as my first choice instead. I could remember placing architecture as one of my choices but I qualified for my primary choice. Two diplomas plus a year or two, not forgetting a detour I took, I'm finally rekindling my passion for photography and learning that traveling is something that I'd like to do.

After winging it at Anawangin and wanting to go back there again, I decided to see how much of the Philippines I've been to and be graded. It never changed from the first time I took it around a year ago.

My Lakbayan grade is D!

How much of the Philippines have you visited? Find out at Lakbayan!

Created by Eugene Villar.

I'd rather have a higher grade not because I like having high grades but because I'd like to go around and see the Philippines more. Bakpacking would be a great way to do it, haha, but well, let's just see.

Finally ~~climbing out of the grave I've been digging myself~~ realizing that I can have something positive out of what I've been through, I've decided to make the most of this year (before throwing myself back into residency) and the years to come. I'm listing down places I'd like to go/return to (some for personal reasons) and hopefully ,one by one, blog about it.

Anawangin

Angono, Rizal

Antipolo

Batanes

Balatoc

Corregidor

Banaue Rice Terraces

Batan Islands

Caramoan Peninsula

Chocolate Hills, Bohol

Davao

Hundred islands, Pangasinan

La Union

Legaspi City

Malapascua, Cebu

Mt. Pinatubo

Mt. Pulag

Pagudpud

Palawan

Pescador, Cebu

Sabtang, Batanes

Sagada
Siquijor

Subterranian River National Park, Puerto Princessa

Taal lake, Batangas

Tawi-tawi city

Vigan
Zamboanga

Hmmm, now where to go next...

Links:

1. Backpacking Philippines and Asia

2. Vistapinas

3. World Reviewer

4. Lakbay Pilipinas

5. Travel Philippines

6. Addicted to travel

7. Lantaw

8. En route

9. Philippine weather
10. Tropical Paradise of Asia

winging it at anawangin

2009-04-22T01:46:00.005+08:00

Anawangin. It's A-na-wa-ngin. Ok say it again. Anawangin. The first photos I saw of this place was of a pristine beach with relatively few visitors. Imagine my surprise as we were approaching the shore, there were tiny dots of people prancing around. Never-the-less, its still a place that I will return to again and again, provided that it remains non-commercialized.

The Indios as part of the 2nd year celebration, decided to rough it up and discover Anawangin. Twelve Indios met and crowded an Olongapo-bound bus at Victory Pasay, with Roe joining us at an impromptu MegaMall stop-over (Thanks to Ree Joie's pleading with the bus driver and conductor). We arrive at Pundaquit at the wee hours of Saturday morning after a crazy tricycle race from San Antonio and met up with 5 more Indios. I can still feel the bump-bump-bump as our driver suddenly decides to overtake each and everyone in front of him.

Thanks to the itinerary provided by Sir Allan Barredo, off we go to Capones Island. The choppy waves prevented us from approaching the light-house drop-off point. After a few photos and a group hug, we decide to head to Anawangin to wind down.

Around 20 minutes later we arrive at the shores of Anawangin with dreams of sitting by the beach and chilling out (and for some starting to take paparazzi shots), but lo and behold, we were dropped off at the other end of the beach! Haha. My fingers almost lost circulation from carrying those ice blocks! Thank you Blue Merlin for the help. After pitching tents and occupying 3 tables (a 4th was added after a while) off we go to our own-own adventures.

As for my adventure, well it was more of an escape, it was all well worth it. Just for a while I was able to block off my woes and cares. I miss being there but the good thing is I can go back and I will.

One word. Happy.

2009-04-14T23:30:00.003+08:00

A few months ago, I was asked for permission to use my photo in a magazine which of course I granted. I promptly forgot about it. a while ago, I was browsing around the internet and decided to "google" my name and one link led me to this site.

Open publication - Free publishing - More fourteen golf

"Happy" is just the word that describes what I feel right now, and that's a lot considering what I've gone through. Thank you Kim Engler (Editor-in-Chief of AAGolf Magazine).

a story on motherhood and some more

2009-04-13T22:04:00.002+08:00

My prayers answered when I got home, Amor just gave birth 2 days ago. Every time she gives birth, its either I'm really not able to go home or just left. I miss those days when my pet dogs and cats would let me hold their newborn. I arrived just around 5 in the morning, after going out to take shots of the sunrise and driving around (beginning to be a ritual for me) I placed down my camera and went for the doghouse.

As I stepped out the back door, heard this hissing sound, step, hiss, step, hiss, step, hiss. If that was a snake, I assumed I would've been bitten by now.

So I look around and discover this lonely kitten (her two sibling just being taken by our neighbors). Wondering on why she was so apprehensive, a few seconds later, I see not the cause, but the solution.

Tami catching the "motherhood bug" has apparently taken on the little kitten as her own. The mother-cat, being a stray cat who has taken over our home, has left her kitten to be the surrogate daughter of Tami.

Tami and Amor have this long standing "sibling rivalry", so after running after Tami, I tried to rid myself of Tami's scent, which I guess I didn't need to. For the next few days I was the only human she trusted or brave enough to hold her puppies. The funny thing was even my Dad got the "motherhood bug", he changed the cartons (which served as insulators after being ripped by Amor) many times and worried when he hears the puppies cry. So at least once a day when Amor decides to keep up with the rivalry with Tami, I carry the puppies back home when they stray far from it. I never did do it when Amor was around.

Okay I did it once when Amor was there. She was walking around her 2 pups just in front of their doghouse and she did just that for a few seconds... pace back and forth. Trying to lift them up and then dropping them after a while. Her pups have grown much she cannot bite them without hurting. So off I go as the rain started to fall, lifted the two pups and returned them to their home.

The next day was a surprise to me. We were preparing our breakfast when I heard one of the puppy cry, I looked out to see if Amor or Tami was nearby, Amor was there trying to pick up her pup. I returned to the kitchen but stopped midway when I saw Amor entering the doghouse leaving the pup behind. And then she gave me "that" look. I went out and took the pup and placed her back towards her waiting mom. Good girl, Amor. You trained your master.

detour

2009-03-31T20:32:00.001+08:00

It has been days since I last used my camera, unusual for me since I have been able to click away even during my toxic duties. I decided to have a walk and take a few shots. I ended up in this nice "sanctuary" just across my place (I always end up there anyway). They have been renovating for sometime now, I wanted to take photos of the people at work but ended up talking to visitors. It never fails that I meet people who would tell stories of their lives. I wonder... psychology, not a bad choice but in the Philippines... I don't think so.

This place had been a witness to my life and continues to be. Its not my planned visits here that strengthens my faith but my detours, my conversations with strangers, my silence.

When words become unclear, I shall focus with photographs. When images become inadequate, I shall be content with silence.

-=Ansel Adams=-

my-graine

2009-03-30T20:36:00.001+08:00

In the middle of washing my dishes, I get this premonition that I'd be spending my afternoon in the company of my bed. I had this mind numbing, or was it throbbing, idea of sulking it off throughout the rest of the day. After a while my head starts to throb and I turn off every light and sound source. Start to pray that I had access to the coldest room while I try to lull myself to sleep. I used to curse every pain medicine, afraid that I'd be dependent on it. Lately I've decided that my time wouldn't be wasted on migraines. Thirty minutes after taking in one pill, the excruciating pain disappears.

Its not a joke having migraine. Through out my stint in the ER, I realized how these headaches could paralyze one's day. Its classical presentation begins with an aura, then it progresses to this severe one sided headache (from the old enlish "megrim" meaning severe headache). It may be accompanied by nausea, sensitivity to light or even sound. I used to induce vomiting as I've learned that sometimes it relieves me of the headache. The downside of that was I was scarring my throat. While treating my patients I soon realized that I should do what I was preaching. Avoid, avoid, avoid.

Migraine has so many triggers and it varies from one person to another. I've encountered people whose trigger included caffeine while I on the other hand found that caffeine relieves me of my headache. Until now I don't know what exactly my triggers are, but one particular ingredient I was able to pinpoint yesterday. Pepper and a certain amount really triggered my migraine.

Here are the most common triggers:

Strong odors/perfumes

Bright lights, loud noises

Changes in sleep/wake patterns

Skipping meals

Alcohol

Menstrual cycle fluctuations

Stress

Foods containing tyramine (red wine, aged cheese, smoked fish, chicken livers, figs, and some beans), monosodium glutamate (MSG), or nitrates (like bacon, hot dogs, and salami)

Other foods such as chocolate, nuts, peanut butter, avocado, banana, citrus, onions, dairy products, and fermented or pickled foods

getting there

2009-03-27T21:27:00.002+08:00

In an unplanned detour a few days ago, I stayed in a place I thought that I wouldn't last long. I didn't want to return because of so many reasons, but mainly it was because going back makes me miss most of where I used to be. Returning would make me want to go back. But going away was my choice. A difficult one at that. I find myself in regret sometimes because I've chosen to let go of stability and the familiar world.

The unplanned detour made me let go of the past, though not completely, but I'm getting there.

there's a broken heart that's healing there's a life that has been changed

there are answers to the prayers that you have prayed

when you're sure your soul can't make it one more day

love will find you there and light your way

-=Love will find you there=-

i am in love with the world

2009-03-09T09:29:00.001+08:00

The first time I've heard of this song was way back 1997 as a tribute to Princess Di's death. It was the first and last time that I heard the song. The internet hasn't reached the mountains before so I didn't have any other source but the radio. The radio however played Elton John's tribute instead. Thankfully someone had posted this through youtube and hearing the song all-over again reminded me of why I fell in love with the song in the first place.

This song was sung by the Chickenshed Theatre with Lissa Herman as the lead vocal.

I am in love with the world
With its fires and its seas and its pain
I am in love with the world
As it spins round my soul again

CHORUS
I fell in love with the world
When it gave me a place to be (ooh)
You cannot fall out of love
With your world shining through (ooh)
Let your world fall in love with you

With you

You think you're lost to the world
With your life lived in shadows of fear
(Shadows of fear)
Days lost without you too long
No-one close no-one kind no-one near
(No-one near)

You try to hide when your world dies inside
Never fade away (ooh)
Dreams turn to stars so you don't
Lose the end of your day (ooh)
Let your world fall in love with you
With you

I felt your feelings before
And the world tried to pull me through
Through all its time and its space
It is speaking to you

REPEAT CHORUS
Ooh

WORDS AND MUSIC BY COLLINS/MORRALL

walking back home

2009-03-06T23:52:00.000+08:00

I went home last week. My cousin, sister and I reached Bauio around 2 am, I immediately went to charge my batteries and after around 2 hours, I went out to take photos. I had 1 hour getting used to the "automatic". That included maneuvering the car in the not-so-narrow street plus listening to my dad's instructions...

Dad: Kabig mo sa kaliwa... (followed by muffled words)
Me: Ano? (sabay kabig sa kaliwa)
Dad: Sa kanan!
Me: (Biglang break tapos di na nakinig ke tatay)

Reminded me of how my Dad's vision was bad specially at night. The 15 minutes of that was trying to detemine how the radio worked! Everything set, I went on to driving, stop and go, trying to determine what "d/d off" meant. Never did know but well with that small amount of time, noted that the car ran better with that light on.

I went to Marcos Highway and watched the sunrise instead. Then braved the backroads and discovered this street that showed a great view of marcos highway.

I reached home eyes getting heavy and went on to sleep the rest of the day. Well, almost.

The next day, I decided to walk instead. I was dropped of Baguio Medical Center, just outside Camp 8.

The last time I walked this route was 18 years ago, the day of the earthquake. I remember passing by this place, 2 landslides have already fallen and we had to walk at the very unstable soil. That was one of the time where I really, really prayed hard. Passing by those landslides while "aftershocks" were happening was the second of the most terrifying experiences I've been through. First on the list was running inside Skyworld (the tallest building back then) while the walls and beams were falling around you.

A few kilometers more is the Camp 8 proper, which gives you the view of why Baguio is cold. :)

It was nice seeing there are still trees. I'm just hoping that there will be remaining trees when I return home.

I discovered this small alley where you had to walk down a steep stairs.

This "denuded" part was there ever since I could remember. All I could say is that those who chose to put up their houses must either be really brave or had great engineers.

Kennon road has been the route or trucks and buses but because of the frequency of landslides, the traffic was limited to those who come from nearby provinces.

To those who know where I live, well you must know how far I had to walk. :)

life without limbs

2009-02-20T19:32:00.001+08:00

You may have realized that I've had time in my hands for the past few weeks. Hopefully I'd be able to get "toxic" for the next weeks. Aside from photography, the internet have been my haven. Browsing through different blogs, I've discovered this video from one site.

Nick Vujicic: life without limbs

A gentle reminder?

2009-02-20T00:47:00.003+08:00

An hour ago, I arrived at my apartment and was greeted by an accident scene. It was just a few minutes fresh and the rescue team just arrived. My first instinct was to place down all my things and help. It reminded me too, of how I'm not tied up by rules and regulations anymore. Ate Cora was smiling as she found me wrestling with helping or not. In a little while, there were a crowd gathering and media scampering towards the scene.

It was a head-on collision between a jeepney and a van. The van being on the wrong lane. Of the 2 drivers, the one who drove the van was in a more emergent condition. The "usiseros" told us that the driver looked like he was drunk or dazed and the paramedics thought that he had a fracture in his extremities.

A few minutes after extracting the driver, a second ambulance came and carried the less critical. That few minutes was also when the traffic started to build up. The victims were lucky that the response was fast.

It was a gentle reminder of drinking and driving. There is more than just your life that is affected.

It was a gentle reminder for me too. Had I chosen to alight in front of my apartment building, I could've been involved. Had I been a few minutes earlier, I could've been involved. It could've been me.

Time

Author Unknown

To realize the value of ONE YEAR, ask a student who has failed a grade.
To realize the value of ONE MONTH, ask a mother who has given birth to a pre-mature baby.
To realize the value of ONE WEEK, ask an editor of a weekly newspaper.
To realize the value of ONE DAY, ask a daily wage laborer who has kids to feed.
To realize the value of ONE HOUR, ask the lovers who are waiting to meet.
To realize the value of ONE MINUTE, ask a person who has missed the train.
To realize the value of ONE SECOND, ask a person who has avoided an accident.
To realize the value of ONE MILLI-SECOND, ask the person who has won a silver medal in the Olympics.
Treasure every moment that you have! And treasure it more because you
shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your time ...
and remember that time waits for no one. . . Yesterday is history
Tomorrow a mystery Today is a gift That's why it's called the present!

Congratulations

2009-02-18T23:46:00.003+08:00

Congratulations to the board passers. (Physician Licensure Examinations February 2009)

Cheers!

Filipino Cuisine, Nationality or Identity?

2009-02-18T13:11:00.003+08:00

A brief background. Anthony Bourdain is revered when it comes to food and everything that surrounds food. He is the host of No Reservations which showcases a variety of cuisine. I'm not going to speak like I have known of him and the show for months and months. I have learned of him when Marketman wrote about Anthony Bourdain visiting the Philippines. Marketman being involved was enough to pique my interest in the episode which aired February 16. Having no cable, I had to wait for blogs to come up with their reactions and of course the ever reliable youtube for the video. Hearing that the lechon came out number one in AB's heirarchy of pork was enough for me to be proud of the Filipinos behind this episode. What I didn't expect was the whole lot of reactions that stemmed out of the episode. While some of them are true, a lot of the comments were unwarranted. I won't write them here. One comment though was enough to cause a deluge of reaction that I wasn't able to read (some of them were deleted by marketman) and another post by Marketman.

Here are my reactions (edited to some extent) to some of the comments:

1. Reading through the comments from AB’s blog reminds me of what happened to the Philippines which I’ve learned in history class, where the government had to build walls and paint over them to cover the shanties.

2. If AB really liked to showcase the “lively” Filipino, I think his research would have shown the countless fiestas the Philippines have, and he would have gone to one. Could it be said that there are also the “timid” Filipino? We have are term “Maria Clara”. Isn’t that part of being a Filipino?

3. Kudos to Augusto for having enough Filipino Pride to send his videotape and represent the Philippines. If I was a follower of AB, I wouldn't even think of sending a video or if I did sending another after I have been rejected.

AND who would be comfortable in front of the camera and having relatively strangers around you watching and listening what you do and say? I know I wouldn’t.

4. Honestly, the reactions and Calfran’s comment, made me think if I could represent the Filipino heritage well. I can’t. It also made me think how very much of a Filipino I am. I’m writing in english and that says something.

P.S.

I'm laughing at myself now. And here we are Filipinos, couldn't agree about something and endlessly criticizing someone who's brave enough to call himself one. No wonder, the Philippines couldn't move forward as a nation.

I do agree with Calfran in that when AB said "“the problem is is that Filipinos are too damn nice…to forge an identity". It hits you in the gut. But I'm not going to blame other people for this. I blame myself.

capture a heart

2009-02-16T00:35:00.002+08:00

February 14 is a not so special day for me, popularly renamed as single awareness day, I tend not to celebrate it at all. As I previously posted, a group I belong to, flickristasindios decided to celebrate this day with children from Payatas. Nothing more to keep me dusy, I decided to postpone my trip back home and celebrate the day with them.

The activity started with a prayer and then Sir Jun introduced his "hearts" to the children. I started to take his photo but as he started to talk, decided to listen instead. He opened his narrative with the concept of this day being a day of hearts, of love. Proceeding to show the children of different hearts, I forgot to take photos.

I am always entranced when it comes to children singing songs and seeing them gleefully participating. After a round of songs, the children were given not just a meal, they had 2nds and 3rds too.

One of the children I noticed was Angelito, a 1 year old boy, who wouldn't smile. I wouldn't fault him as seeing him, I could see mouth sores, and probably with the size of his belly he would have worms. I gave the multivitamins to his mother and was satisfied that Angelito was smiling more after a while.

Being sponsored by a photography group, the day didn't end without a group shot. :P

Other Photos here:

capture a heart album

A timely distraction

2009-02-12T14:46:00.002+08:00

In an effort to divert out attention from our predicament, my friend wanted to watch ANY movie. "Gusto ko manuod ng sine." She said with finality. And true to our theory that the most likely gimmick to push through are the unplanned ones, off we go to watch Marley and Me. It was a pleasant surprise. It wasn't a movie that centered on Jennifer Aniston nor was it a movie about a dog. It is not for people who love dogs. Its a movie for people who've raised, cared, nurtured a dog for a part of their life. This I dare say, anyone who have NEVER cared for a dog won't relate much to the movie.

The movie is based on an autobriography of Jenny and John Grogan (Jennifer Aniston and Owen Wilson) which spans from the couple as newly weds to their life as parents of 3 children. It follows John as an aspiring journalist unexpectedly finding success in being a columnist. Marley, playing a key part in their lives. The film effectively showed the relationship between Marley and the family without having one character dominate over the other. Yes, it wasn't just any other Jennifer Aniston film.

It's not that I am a big fan of "feel-good" movies, but because I can recognize myself in some parts of the movie, that I was glad of our unplanned gimmick. Maybe one day I can say that, as John said in his job interview, "I surprise myself" too.

Capture a Heart

2009-02-04T18:46:00.034+08:00

Flickristasindios is a group of people bonded together because of photography. An active group in flickr with their regular photo shoots, regular walks and HMTs (Happy Mamam Thursdays), the group is organizing its 3rd Outreach Program: Capture A Heart in conjunction with the Philippine Red Cross. On the 14th of February, a feeding project will be held at the Payatas Area, Quezon City.

moving on...

2009-02-01T18:41:00.064+08:00

People usually consider walking on water or in thin air a miracle. But I think the real miracle is not to walk either on water or in thin air, but to walk on earth. Every day we are engaged in a miracle which we don't even recognize: a blue sky, white clouds, green leaves, the black, curious eyes of a child -- our own two eyes. All is a miracle.

-=Thich Nhat Hahn=-

Last thursday, I joined a group of photographers assist Sir Ryan take photos of patients who've gone through the ails of cancer. I just wanted to observe and didn't expect to be one of the people to take photos. As I walked into the conference room, I took a really really big step back. It was a sea of people, and wheelchairs. It was overwhelming as i've avoided crowds for these past few days. I am glad though, I've met new friends. Learned a lot about life. I have known of people with cancer, but as patients or cases, not as someone who is going through or have gone through difficulties. One thing I've noticed was that it was hard making them smile, they had this aura of something I can't quite explain. Perhaps I'd never be able to understand until I've walked beside them or in their shoes.

I'm looking forward to the day...

2009-01-27T13:28:00.045+08:00

"The kiss of the sun for pardon,
The song of the birds for mirth,
One is nearer God's heart in a garden
Than anywhere else on earth."

-=Dorothy Frances Gurney=-

I was walking through the zoo at Quezon City Park's and Wildlife and saw this beautiful eagle looking towards a few children playing. I was trying to include the children but while I was looking through the lens, I noticed this frame. I noticed throughout the year of having taken photographs, I favor photos with contrasts, specially of light and the absence of it. The looking and waiting for the right moment and clicking the shutter is where I find solace.

As with my previous posts, I look forward to the day I find the answers to my questions. I look forward to everything being in the past. I'm learning my lesson.

and everything else

2009-01-21T08:20:00.001+08:00

I would be a bum for the next few weeks... what more to do but to update my blog and get rid of bookmarked items... :P here are some of the things I have placed on my to do list but have never gotten to "do".

I was "passed" this link and took it the first time, and I remember I did not get this color, but then I did that one half asleep so I'd probably own up to this color. :P

Take the Magic: The Gathering 'What Color Are You?' Quiz.

and here are a few links I keep going back to once in a while...

1. Dark Roasted Blend is continually a source of the weird and wonderful information, may it be fact or just fiction. I discovered this browsing through photos and information about droplet photographs and before I knew it I was looking through photographs of smoke then a few hours later I was laughing at photos of the cute, cuddly and not so cuddly animals. Of course its not just photographs that you could see here, there is a lot more and if you need a quick fix or just something to boost your day, this site offers just the right variety.

2. Post Secret would probably create mixed reactions once you've gone through this site. I do not remember why I ended up into this site, but at that time there were secrets that made me thank the creator of this site. For the people who are going through the "Is it just me?" phase in life, I'll tell you, it's not just you. Browsing through this site for the first time, I was glad knowing that it wasn't just me. Kudos to the one who bared his/her thought. I couldn't pinpoint you to the exact entry for this site is refreshed every week. Click on through the links on this site to see more.

3. National Geographic's the daily dozen is continually one of my source of inspirations. Of course the whole site would entail hours of reading through as sometimes I would end up imagining that I would be the one taking photos. In my own time. :P

This is just a few links. Never thought that making a list of links would take much time. Maybe its because I end up going through the links again and again. : P

figuring out how to get there

2009-01-17T12:52:00.001+08:00

I've made probably one of the biggest decisions of my life just recently. To tell you the truth, it has been the most thinking I've ever done. I'm not going to write about what it is that brought me to today... practically a bum again (One of my new years resolution: to try not to speak when highly emotional). Not that I am highly emotional now, probably I could say that I am happy... but not highly so. Mixed emotions is what would relate to what I feel right now. Happy yes. Sad, very. Confused, no. Thankful/grateful, very. Truly at peace, very very at peace. Surprisingly.

I couldn't say that the medical profession was my very first choice, I was guided into and grew to love my profession. What drew me to calling medicine as MY profession was when Oprah featured mercy ships. And like many roads, taking the wrong turn doesn't necessarily mean that I made a mistake... probably it meant that I needed to learn something before getting "there". I had hit a crossroad and I honestly am frightened (I could practically hear Aaliyah singing "heart don't fail me now, courage don't desert me...). But what I do know is I want to be here. You may call me idealistic. Probably I am. I will get there, I just need to map it out. And a lot of conversations/meeting/talking with my family...

P.S. and as for my detour... all i could say... sing... right now is "I'm wiser now"
(just the opening line)

Favorite Photographers Series: Rarindra Prakarsa

2009-01-17T11:11:00.003+08:00

Photo by Rarindra Prakarsa @ Photo.net

Drama is one of the few aspects of photography that I look into. Such effect is seen in most of his photos. He utilizes a workflow to enhance his work, but looking at his photos shows that he mastered his art. Its not just the "rarindra effect" that makes his work interesting, its also his subject and how he captures the world around them. -=(",)=-

My birthday wish

2008-12-02T22:23:00.002+08:00

The past few weeks has been a blur of events... my bed being the silent witness of my frustrations and tears. It just dawned on me how I really am not fit for "politicking". I've dreamt of being a doctor, someone who'd be God's hands in healing people. That dream came true... It became reality. You see in my dream, I didn't worry of the "financial capacity" of my patients. In my dream, I was able to treat the people who need it most. In my dream, the doctors worked with each other. In my dream, people got well. Families were close. Families cared for each other.People understood that we had to take care of a critically ill patient first before attending to patients who are well enough to wait. In my dream, in my dream. That was just in my dream.

In reality, I can't even give medicines to patients who cannot pay. I am limited to what they are financially capable of. In real life, there is this unspoken rule of seniorship among doctors, which in truth I do understand. What bothers me most is that one must really expect you to do a comprehensive truthful history in a patient who is in distress and family members who are in a panic. Maybe I do have to sharpen my skills in that. But then, if I am expected to do a full neurologic history and examination of the patient while trying to stabilize the patients condition and balancing your time with other patients who are ill at ease waiting at the emergency room, and then have a hard time endorsing the patient to the one who is in training for such specialty...... it really makes me want to hit the "pause" button and pray that I may be given multiple hands, ears, lips, feet so that I can attend to all. And if this problem cannot be solved by cloning myself, maybe it could be solved by having other residents at the emergency room... but tell me, I beg, why would blocking the entry of residents (i.e. more hands) solve this problem. I do know that there is a flaw in the system. Why not correct that flaw? In reality the emergency room is n emotionally charged room. I understand that. I do feel that. I cannot fault the patients/ relatives for yelling at me. I do feel degraded. Even more degraded of hearing the news... I really feel bad... and in the first time since I've entered medicine, I do not feel like doing my work. Maybe I could do this in a different way, a different environment.

My birthday wish then... that all will end well. That through this darkness I may see the light that will guide me. Lead me.

How I wish I could go. :(

2008-09-29T03:14:00.001+08:00

If I had the time and had the money... I'd probably join in a heartbeat. Maybe someday I'd be able to... :)

To those in Boracay or are going to Boracay this October, and interested in learning from Manny L and Joey L, check out this site. :)

I turn to you

2008-09-26T08:28:00.002+08:00

I turn to you
Originally uploaded by smiles4angels

There are thoughts which are prayers.
There are moments when, whatever the posture of the body,
the soul is on its knees.

-=Victor Hugo=-

my perception pesonality

2008-09-02T14:49:00.001+08:00

Your result for The Perception Personality Image Test...

NFPS - The Guru

Nature, Foreground, Big Picture, and Shape

You perceive the world with particular attention to nature. You focus on what's in front of you (the foreground) and how that fits into the larger picture. You are also particularly drawn towards the shapes around you. Because of the value you place on nature, you tend to find comfort in more subdued settings and find energy in solitude. You like to deal directly with whatever comes your way without dealing with speculating possibilities or outcomes you can't control. You are in tune with all that is around you and understand your life as part of a larger whole. You prefer a structured environment within which to live and you like things to be predictable.

The Perception Personality Types:

Take The Perception Personality Image Test at HelloQuizzy

niteout

2008-08-28T15:10:00.004+08:00

For ticket inquiries:

Dra. Elmarie: +639228372263

Dra. Reg: +639228372519

Suwerte ka!

2008-08-04T17:00:00.001+08:00

Time and again I've encountered people of whom I've promised to be the topic of my posts. Well here is one.

I've come from my hospital duty tired from lack of sleep. The tour of duty was not that different from most of my duties... I was told to work faster and probably threatened by way of brusque manner which brought me to choking back my tears. In truth, I cried. It's my only release besides photography of my frustrations. Of those who are not familiar with the medical field, there is this ladder you are to climb ( I suppose in all fields there is) and you start beneath the food chain. In terms of responsibilities and work, if your senior says "jump", you don't have to ask "how high", just jump. But that is what I am used to, today we encounter medical students (clerks/interns) who are not used to work, so imagine the students asking us to do jobs that they are supposed to do. Imagine being at the bottom of the food chain being pushed further down, maybe to nothingness...

In any way, me being myself just took it all in. Cried a little. Wiped my tears and faced my patients red-eyed. In more ways than one, I try to convince myself that everything I go through are for my improvement. For whatever it is, I am yet to know. Thankfully my patients were kind enough not to ask, one even tried to boost my mood after witnessing my near to breakdown event. I am glad that I am reminded that what I am doing is not entirely wrong, that there are people who do appreciate what I do. Looking back my duty is not entirely tiring when it came to work, just from the lack of sleep.

That's not my story. Just a prelude to let you know how much I appreciate what happened to me on my way home. After my duty, I had to stay at the hospital to complete my other responsibilities (census). It was past 9 that I left the hospital, and wrestled with wanting to stay for another 30 minutes to watch "Cinderella" (the japanese version), yet another one of my de-tox activities. But the lack of sleep won me over so I went on my way home. I have this thing for walking, I love walking. My day won't be complete without it. On my daily route, I pass by Chowking, to which I usually buy my breakfast/lunch/dinner. Entering the fastfood chain, I was glad there were not much customers, meaning I would be leaving with my food, fast. Waiting for my food, I notice another customer who ordered after me, asking the cashier of their other branches preferably near Araneta avenue. I took no interest in that but I was intrigued in how hyper she is versus my dwindling energy at that time. She seats by me and tells me the story of the new BPI freebie system. She tells me of how purchasing at least a thousand pesos with BPI credit card system, you are able to avail free meals at Chowking. She was so thrilled in that she will be able to give whatever freebie she take to her grandchildren and to her other relatives. It was a refreshing conversation as I rarely do have any other conversation with strangers unless they are patients I tend to. She told me of so many things but one thing struck me most is that she was happy that whatever she could take from this she would be able to give to others. And there I was fighting of my sleep when she told me "Alam mo, swerte ka." (You know, you're lucky/in luck). "Po?" was my only answer to that. She told me not to leave for she would be giving me one of the meals she was able to avail. Despite my protests, she was persistent, I finally relented to her when she told me that I shouldn't refuse whatever gift that was being given to me. With repeated "thank you's", we parted ways. I didn't ask for her name. I wanted her to be one of my angels. She didn't realize a far greater gift she gave me. A memory, a reminder I could keep for my lifetime. As for the meal... I hope that it filled an empty stomach.

help!

2008-07-23T16:15:00.001+08:00

A quick repost for an online acquiantance...

My pamangkin, Kuya Ken's son Matthew, where we took the other half of the business namesake was abducted last night at Festival Mall in Alabang.

Name: Matthew" Chu-chu" David Samudio

Age: 3 Years Old, Can barely speak straight.

Address: 16 guyabano st umali rd. summitville subdivision putatan muntinlupa city 1770

He was last seen at Tom's World Arcade in Festival Mall Alabang, around 8pm yesterday July 22, 2008 wearing Green Checkered Polo, Maong pants and Green Mr. Bean Slippers.

When we reviewed the surveillance camera in said mall, there was this chubby impoverished looking girl around 12-13 years old wearing a dirtied pink top with floral design and a reddish jogging pants who summoned my nephew and then whispered something to him, then my pamangkin who is very "bibo" readily took her hand as they went out of the said premises.

Guys, I need your help with this, if you know people in the media, police or government agency who might be able to HELP us locate my nephew, I'm begging you, please, please help us. Or at the very least, please pass this message to as many people as possible, who knows where the abductors might have taken him... Matthew is a very sickly kid, he rarely eats unless his yaya feeds him and he was about to have an operation for fluid in his right testis.

If there are any news or lead that can locate my nephew, please help us... Sobrang kawawa ang pamangkin ko, who knows how they are treating him...I dont want this thing happening to any kid so please help my nephew. PLEASE. You can contact my brother at 0923-638-4632.

Thank you so much and God Bless you!

a link back to the original post

we were cordially invited...

2008-07-22T17:22:00.005+08:00

we were cordially invited...
Originally uploaded by smiles4angels

one of a few events i am willing to risk my toxic schedule just to got to... congratulations to mai and louie, wishing you many more blessings to come... (hint-hint) :P

even though the traffic was slightly tough... the travel was well worth the wait

finally was able to see abi after a long long while... a lot of tsismis and updates na naikwento... pero syempre waht i did was click away...

of course, the people who really did the interview and update and interrogations was des...

...and chum... Yes, I promise to free up my schedule on Oct 19. :P fingers crossed...

and there's ren... updating us on her lovelife or the lack of it or the hint of it, tama ba? thank you too for the ride

claude was present and looking like a dad... (peace) :). syempre nakumpleto ang "da boys"

one of the main topics of the night was the seemingly year after another wedding celebrations... would the next one be with jimmy?...

or would it be tina...

it was truly a mini-reunion of sorts... till the next meet-up! :P

miss you all!

of course bob! would there be a round of chika-han the coming days?

a little voice, the littlest hands, but every bit of amazing

2008-07-16T16:35:00.002+08:00

Browsing through the internet today, i ended up listening and looking through the videos and songs of one amazing singer, Connie Talbot. The first of the videos I watched was of her singing on audition for Britain's Got Talent, at this point her voice was simply angelic and fresh. On her onstage performance though you can her the strain in her voice from practice, but still hearing a six year old belt out such song is amazing. Browsing more through her videos, I ended up with one touching performance, done at Star King Show as shown above... speechless.

Envy

2008-07-15T11:26:00.001+08:00

"Why would you feel sorry for someone who gets to opt out of the inane, courteous formalities, which are utterly meaningless, insincere and therefore degrading? This kid doesn’t have to pretend to be interested in your back pain or your excretions or your grandma’s itchy place. Can you imagine how liberating it would be to live a life free of all the mind-numbing social niceties? I don’t pity this kid, I envy him.”

Dr. Gregory House

In an article featured today in Inquirer, written by Amaris Grace M. Cabason, I too envy people who really gets to not care of minute things. I too have a cousin who is autistic, sadly though, by society's demands, his special needs wasn't met because the probability of him having autism was simply shunned. I cannot blame my relatives though. Eventually through sheer societal pressure they inadvertently met his needs later on when they added extra time for him to learn. REading the article today made me realize that they get to go through life not caring of what other people say about them, but who's to say that they don't experience feelings. Maybe they do, but not in the same degree as "normal" people do.

Everyday at work, people get to shout for whatever reason they have... People from all walks of life get to do that... and as a doctor I do get to thank people who are patient enough to wait for their turn and it comes from unexpected people... one worth mentioning is a son of a well-known attorney who came in in acute pain, yet waited for his turn to be cared for while I attended to another patient. He didn't ask for a "special treatment" just because he is the son of so and so. Apologizing for the delay he said he understood. I go back to these memories time and again in my futile attempt to remind myself that there is good in everyone. But most of the time I guess I would wish to get to be "someone who gets to opt out of the inane, courteous formalities". It is a such a relief not to think of those...

2008-07-06T12:32:00.002+08:00

Over a fence...

Up a dark alley...

Up a quiet street...almost got hit by a car....

She keeps following...

-=Hayao Miyazaki (whisper of the heart)=-

Studio Ghibli has produced most of my favorite anime movies to date, one of which is Whisper of the Heart whose storyline was developed by Hayao Miyazaki based on the manga by Aoi Hiiragi. Time to bring out my copy of films by studio ghibli... need to rest for a while before the next bout of busyness appears. :P happy weekend everyone.

ER: T.he O.ne S.top S.hop ME.dicine (naaaah)

2008-06-30T17:21:00.003+08:00

When I entered Emergency Medicine, I had the illusion I would be doing things that I used to watch in the TV series E.R. How wrong I was. Along with technology, Emergency Medicine (EM) has evolved to a one stop shop for patients. I grew up in a province and the only time I've seen the inside of the emergency room was when I was rushed to the hospital because of high grade fever, from what I remember was I was in critical condition then. Connection? Technology has made it possible for people to get answers with just one click or to make things happen with just one push of a button. I've noticed that people who grew up with this exposure are impatient (STOP! Hear me out) as compared to the people who are used to doing things the manual way. Yes, I am used to technology but still I would rather go through the library (nope, not the online version) browse through hundreds of books and read through them.

I am not generalizing the whole health care system in this. I have received patients who simply couldn't afford to wait in line in the clinic simply because they couldn't wait to get their questions answered immediately. They expect it to be as simple as one click of a button. Some patient's I'm grateful to have because they are very willing to be interviewed for a while. Some simply expect that when a person has fever, the automatically have dengue and immediately ask for a CBC. Other kinds of patients just wouldn't want to walk around the different departments for their laboratories to be done. Hence the ER provides a way for them to be catered without them having to walk around.

Science have evolved with technology, yes, there are things we can do now that we aren't able to do before. Then there are things that are done faster than before, which brings me to patients expecting their laboratory results to come out like a instant photo machine. It can be done in some cases but in most cases that wouldn't be the norm. Let me just beg off with this, that some laboratory exams would require chemical reactions to occur, and it takes a while for that to be completed. Hopefully in the future mankind would be able to manufacture a one click diagnostic machine. That would be a great improvement, but still I would like my diagnostic exams to be accurate rather than fast. If being fast would mean more mistakes, I'd rather take a diagnostic examination that would be slow and accurate... but that's just me...

P.S. I still do get to do things that I used to watch at E.R. and maybe more. I get to see a wide range of cases, out-patient, urgent, critical... patients with vague symptoms having more serious problems. I learn, day by day, person by person, patient by patient, case by case.

a project

2008-06-27T20:22:00.004+08:00

I've been hard at making a "presentation" for this past week... and my movie maker also decided to be stubborn, so files I've done earlier didn't seem to work. At last an initial output, hopefully will be able to do fix my movie maker or find somene with a movie maker.

An initial upload...just in case. There's something wrong with my movie maker. Hopefully, I would be able to edit this one.

Many thanks to those who allowed me to use their photos. unfortunately, there was a lot that I wanted to use, pero di kasya! :)

Here are the links to the contributors:

If you see any photo that was used without your permission and if I inadvertently missed you name, or you find any mistakes kindly PM me... C and C is welcome. Thank you.

Got Faith?

2008-06-16T20:02:00.006+08:00

As I was taking the picture of this man I remembered one of the few things I've read in more than one book/magazine. I'm sure we've heard a lot of "if only" in our conversations with our friends, relatives, acquaintances or even with ourselves. Let's not deny that there are a lot of material "needs" in today's world. Technology has brought itself to be needed by people.

There's this thinking that if one did not get what he wanted, he wouldn't be happy. It's the "if I only had this or that, life would be better, I would be happier" thinking. Most of the time one doesn't realize that a life without that need is much better than having one. The absence of that need becomes a driving factor to such person to be discontented with what he/she has. And it becomes a cycle, you get what you need and with that you'd want more and more and more.

Taking this picture, I pictured myself, needing and needing and needing, and here is a man, crippled. Life hasn't been good for him, and you'd expect him to be this bitter person. Maybe even mumbling "If only I could walk, I would be happier..." But here he is, in a place and a job you'd least expect him to do. Selling faith. Got one? It's a need I'd like to have more and more of.

another day...

2008-06-11T06:48:00.003+08:00

a quick post.... trying to clean out each and every account I have in the internet... and of course my computer... its just another way of trying to postpone reading my textbook. :P

far too many goodbyes

2008-06-06T21:07:00.002+08:00

... and then yet again, in this part of the circle of life... I find myself reeling from the news as a read the message, never imagining that something like this would happen again and again and again in such short time. I have written this before and I am writing this again. Somehow, it doesn't hurt as much but still a bigger hole is there. An emptiness.

The first this happened was a year ago, and the days that followed once in a while I'd expect my uncle just walk-in the door and ask to borrow one of our books. I know he's gone but then somehow in those early days, I'd still imagine him walking in the gate. The blow it took to my grandma so hard that in the months that followed her health deteriorated. She didn't tell us. She'd just wake up early in the morning and go on with her panata... her routine... then one night, she woke up shouting "matay akon" (I'm dying). We rushed her to the hospital and the following days we discovered that her heart was failing... she's had pneumonia and the worse was that she wouldn't eat... Lola Masa was in and out of the hospital then, I was in back and forth between Manila and Baguio, between studying for the boards and being a caretaker... On the last day of September, she was at home just being discharged from the hospital, I just arrived home, taking a break from review. She was weak for the past days and hated the fact that she had to be dependent on others. She went into arrest a few minutes after I arrived, a few minutes after I said hello... She had to be placed in a respirator to buy time to say goodbye. They've said that at last she smiled, when I said hello, her last smile.

Past the first Christmas and New Year without my uncle and lola, a new routine, a new tradition was being established. I went back to manila to start my residency and furthered too my interest in photography. Just before the first year anniversary of my uncle, I receive yet again another message, Lolo Selo just died... mind reeling, heart pounding... last year was a series of deaths from my mother's side... and now, would it start from my father's side? would it? I hoped it doesn't. I took a controversial leave from my work. It was that time that people told me how proud he was when he read my name among the board passers. Very early in the morning, he went aorund Pangasinan announcing the news. He even arrived at our house waking up the then asleep and unaware household. The phrase I remember most when I was introduced at his wake, "Ay, alam mo ba, nagpamigay sya ng balut nung pumasa ka, tuwang-tuwa at inikot ang barangay hawak ang newspaper". A late time to say thank you. But thank you still.

And now, I think I would have a hard time to take a leave again, but I'll try.

... there's far too many goodbyes... a hello would be nice.

teardrops

2008-06-05T14:24:00.001+08:00

It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power.

-=Alan Cohen=-

recall

2008-06-03T20:06:00.001+08:00

We cannot change our memories, but we can change their meaning and the power they have over us.

-=David Seamans=-

In times when the day goes sour I favor shutting up going home and going to sleep... and most of the time I wake up refreshed and with a good sense of judging what have happened. That's most of the time... some times I'd need to go out and take photos, detoxify myself...

author

2008-06-03T17:40:00.001+08:00

It's been almost a year for me since I've actively took up photography. Being freshly out of medical school I've realized that I've missed a lot of moments in my family's life. Maybe it has been a reason for me to take snapshots almost everyday of my life, maybe its because of the guilt in the back of my mind that I've almost been left out save for some photos they've taken from occasions in our family.

Adding to the guilt is the death of two of my relatives (and another one just recently), that I've decided to keep an archive of memories... to keep me from feeling left out. It has been my bridge to reminding me that I have still a lot more to discover and there are other lives aside from my own...

Starting this blog will hopefully be my repository of memories of my past and the present and of my dreams... thank you to my sister for this photo...

captured

2008-06-03T16:26:00.001+08:00

Created with Admarket's flickrSLiDR.

this christmas

2007-12-12T08:21:00.001+08:00

'm wishing that time slows down this Christmas. Spent so much time away from my family and I'm guessing that in the following years I won't be able to spend much time with them. Hopefully by the 20th everything I need for my pre-residency/residency training I've finished and by the 21st I could go home. By January 1, I would be slave to the hospital... :)

Looking forward to baking lots and lots of cookies, to the point that my mom worries that I do not get enough sleep. This is how our family gathers when there are occasions. kainan... kodakan... kantahan... kwentuhan... kaguluhan. :)

Have a Merry Christmas everyone. :)

que sera sera

2007-09-05T18:45:00.000+08:00

My mother used to sing this song to me when I was a child, aside of course from her favorite "close to you" by the Carpenters. Que sera sera. Whatever will be, will be.

My mom's really afraid that I'll take photography seriously. Too late. :) I am taking up photography, but not as serious as she thinks I will. She used to encourage us towards more cerebral activities. I remember being shuffled from one activity to another. Speech. Piano. Tennis. Computer. Even swimming. I took to those as a child who liked to play. Why am I ranting about this now? Well it's because I am both into the newbie state. Newbie doctor. Newbie photography enthusiast.

I am ranting about this now. because I am going through the state where I guess 1st generation doctors go through. Lost. But I'm not lost, I just want the simple nod of acceptance of my chosen specialty. I just want the silence of not listening to whatever opening there is in the states, what specialty people think is best, to where I should get my specialty training, to what country I should go etc etc. It's simple, acceptance, yet complicated more ways than one blog can cover.

I took up photography because it keeps me sane. Just like how tennis used to take away my angst. Oh well, just what they used to sing, que sera sera, whatever will be, will be.

hydrocephalus and 3 stories

2007-08-30T09:17:00.001+08:00

You probably heard this in the TV or in class. In simpler terms hydrocephalus is a condition where the head is expanding due to the increasing fluid in the head. It is because of a blocked drainage in the pipe system of the brain or an increased production of the fluid. In this case a child should undergo surgery as early as possible. This is to avoid seizures, increased pressure or any developmental delay. The surgery entails placing a pipe from the head to the peritoneal cavity pleuralcavity or the gallbladder. It usually is a series of surgeries either because the pipe/shunt has become dirty (infected) or the pipe doesn't fit the growing child anymore and needs to be replaced.
Any rotation or OJT to National Childrens' Hospital, would open up your eyes to the condition of hydrocephalus. But this three encounters I have are encounters in the emergency room and in the out-patient department. Read on.
1. A two-year old.
I don't remember whether it was during my internship or clerkship that this happened. In the early hours of the pediatric-E.R. rotation a family came in with a 2-years old girl. The family with the child is not her immediate family. The main character is the Uncle. He decided to bring the child to the ER because of the enlarging head. There was no immediate or urgent problem to the child. The urgency was with the uncle. He wanted to know if the child was to grow up normal if the child underwent surgery now. What he wanted to say was will the child still be a retard even if she underwent surgery. Will they have to take care of her the rest of their lives? Short of answering his questions, the consultant that day gave him every possible explanation. In short, YES to all his questions. The very sad thing was what he said last... "Eh di kung ganun din pala, hayaan na lang naming ganyan sya kesa pag-gastusan namin ng marami." Honestly, I don't know their status in life. But to go all the way from a province to one of the most expensive hospitals in the country and this done when the child was two years old is something that boggles me. Hydrocephalus is not a condition that suddenly presents one day. To tell you the truth the tape measure we had that day didn't even fit the circumference of her head. I don't know what consults they did before us. What I know is that at that point in time, I wish I had the power to turn back time and all the money in the world to give to the child so that she could undergo the best care possible.
2. 1 month old.
This happened just 2 duties ago. It's not about the child per se but the circumstances around it. The emergency room is the melting pot of personalities. That early morning a mother of a 22-year old male came in to the ER because her child had fever and chills that morning. She gave the child paracetamol. And kudos to her for managing well the problem. Her concern was if there could be something done further. In other words, could this be dengue. Dengue is of a viral cause and usually viral symptoms would entail high-grade fever and non-specific symptoms. And as for dengue, the first bout of fever doesn't give you a picture of dengue, it's the when the fever disappears where signs appear and the medical world can give a more or less appropriate diagnosis of dengue fever. But the 22-year old child in question is okay. In his words. ("Ma, okay lang ako, wag na tayong magpatingin"). To allay the fears of the mother, I ordered another complete blood count, the initial results of his blood count was far from the dengue/viral picture, it was normal, nearly bacterial in picture.
While they were waiting for the result, in comes a family from a class lower than them. Mother, father and a one-month old child with hydrocephalus. They came from a province and was led to the institution for further management. They didn't know what to do, they were in a slight disarray. The child was crying for food and the mother had to sit down and feed the child. Picture this. While she was feeding the child (breastmilk) the mother-from a-upper-class was looking at her (she was also with a side-kick), all eyebrows were raised. I would dismiss that as something else but what they did when the mother was led to the pediatric area was what raised my eyebrow, they smirked and laughed.
I'll leave this story at that.
3. Aaliyah.
During my neurosurgery rotation as a clerk, I had this encounter with a newly born child. The mother and father brought the child immediately to the OPD (charity section), for evaluation. Hats off to the doctor of NCH for catching the diagnosis immediately and for leading them correctly to the right people. :). The neurosurgeon was in doubt at first. But latter tests proved the diagnosis to be correct. In short Aaliyah underwent surgery early on. My encounter with her didn't end there. Even now I see them on my way to the hospital. The father calls out to me most of the time and updates me on what Aaliyah can now do. Last I saw them she is able to count to 5. They religiously follow their appointments with the pediatric and neurosurgery departments. After all that they have been through, a series of surgeries, spending Christmas and the other holidays a the hospital, I can still see their delight with gift of life. Aaliyah's development is delayed but the mother and father don't mind that, they are just happy that she is alive. They are happy that she is able to smile.

as long as i can

2007-08-28T20:43:00.001+08:00

Last Saturday was a scheduled "babang-luksa" of my grandmother. It is scheduled on the one year death anniversary where the period of grieving supposedly ends. That's the reason for my sudden 7 hour bus ride going home.

It has ben one year since I made one of the biggest decision in my life. For months after the death of my Uncle, my grandma's son, her health deteriorated. She just simply let go of herself. For months we were in and out of the hospital. Of course, it came upon my shoulders to explain or simplify to my family the medical jargon that every specialist have thrown to them. Even returning the medical jargon and a full flight of english words to hospital admin for every other day giving us notice of payment of fees. Believe me, I do understand their point, but at that time of my life I am just a "relative of a patient" who's patience is wearing thin. At that point in time I was balancing my life between Baguio and Manila, Civilian and Doctor, Rest and Review for the boards.

A year ago, I went up to Baguio for one reason, the wedding of my cousin. To tell you it seems that fate played her hand at this. Just minutes after me setting foot and saying hello to my family, my grandmother went into arrest. You see, before I went home I was deciding wether to bring my steth and stuff. I brought them. I upped the O2 to 10. Listened to breath sounds. Gasping. Felt for pulses. I could barely palpate due to edema. Brought out my steth, normal heart rate. Called for transpo. Good thing someone other than me knew how to drive. Decided to bring her to Baguio Gen for intubation before transfer to SLU. I know I have ambu-bagged lots of patients before. But this one hits the heart.

Every nurse in the ER of SLU knew the face of my lola. But then and there she was unrecognizable with the tubes and everything. Every nurse in the cardio unit knew her as the "grumpy old woman". I do not know how they felt seeing her pass by tubes and all straight into the ICU. My grandmother had asked not to prolong her life, DNR. As I arrived for my shift at the floor, I saw my cousins there. they were leaving, "bukas na lang ako papasok, daming tao eh.". Of course, see you tomorrow. But that was before I went to look at my grandmother. She was moved to TPs a few hours ago. I told my mom I didn't like how whe breathed. And when I saw her again, her BP was down, her HR was slow... I asked my mom to go home. IT was almost 9pm. I asked my sister too to leave. But she chose to stay.

You see it was the dilemma of my mom. She didn't want to give the last decision. When my mom left I told my sister that we were not going to last the night. I gave my damn best to calm myself down. I didn't know what to do. Past 10 pm a code red was called into the ICU. The curtain was closed.

an angel smiling on you

2007-08-28T09:15:00.001+08:00

Tears streamed down my face as I sat at my grandmother's funeral. My grandmother lived a very full life, and was full of energy, love, and wisdom. She always said the right thing for the situation. And, whenever we had a problem, we knew we could talk with Grandma.

As a teenager, I can remember many conversations where Grandmother would give us here worldly wisdom and she would always end up saying you have an angel smiling on you dear I know you will do the right thing.

Now, here we were at her funeral, and I was thinking of her saying of angels smiling on us. Now, I really knew I had an angel smiling on me as I am sure Grandma was in heaven smiling down and watching out for us.

I offered to help my Mum sort through Grandma's apartment. The next few days were filled with memories, and filled with laughter, and filled with tears. As we sorted through Grandma's stuff, it brought back some wonderful memories.

I was packing the last of the dishes when my mum called to me. I went into Grandma's bedroom, and my mum handed me a package with my name written on it. I opened the box and read the poem:

May this little Angel shine upon your home

Filling your days with cheer

Know that She stands on guard for you

To help you smile all year.

And Grandma had handwritten, "Hang this stained glass angel in your window to remind you of your angel Kate! Love Grandma"

To this day, I have the stained glass angel hanging in my bedroom window. And, every time I look at it I can hear Grandma saying:

"You have an angel smiling on you dear, I know you will do the right thing."

dream

2007-08-20T06:26:00.002+08:00

This is one work of Rolando Carbonel that I like the most. This is taken from my Aunt's scrapbook. I'm glad that it survived through the years. I'm hoping to make my own scrapbook someday.

DREAM
-an excerpt-
Rolando Carbonel

Love... may not be you loving me but it may be me loving you,

despite that; it may be me, not being able to.

It may be me seeing your soul, though it could be me
feeling your soul's encompassing presence.

It could be you forever walking away from me,
yet never leaving me.

It could be me searing my soul with your mocking laughter,
you piercing my being with your deep tenderness.

Love could be you wandering at my futile intensity,
and I wondering why you wonder still.

This was sent to my aunt written on the back of a lovely card. She only "loved the poem, not the card". I hope that I could find the whole poem. I couldn't find ONE book with the collection of Rolando Carbonel.

what comes next?

2007-08-19T09:44:00.001+08:00

Passing the boards could not bring you the joy that you would see in your parents or relatives' faces. You are happy, yes, but you could be happier. Hearing or reading your name among those who passed could only bring you a sigh of relief of "it's all over". It's the "load" being a little lighter, now you could employ yourself and find a not-so-well-paying job. And there's the "if only" everyone you knew have passed, you could feel a lot better.

But then the rewards you have now is all yours, and yours only to enjoy. Only you know the hardships you have to go through, only you could give meaning to what you have now. There's the "sigh" and "a little lighter load" but having that compared to nothing at all spells the difference. Take what you have, and enjoy it.

What comes next is only yours do make... Decide. There's the nursing stint, the USMLE, the Australia or Canada, or what residency to take, should I take what I really like or what they think is best. Or what do you really like? Or should you consider residency at this time? It's only yours and yours to decide. Because after all, its you life. But right now, enjoy every bit of perk you get with passing the boards. Congratulations.

do you have an attitude?

2007-08-16T07:55:00.001+08:00

OUR ATTITUDES

Charles Swindoll

American Author and Pastor

The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life.

Attitude, to me is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do.

It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company... a church... a home.

The remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day.

We cannot change our past... we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable.

The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude.

I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it.

And so it is with you... we are in charge of our attitudes.

last will and testament

2007-08-16T07:43:00.001+08:00

In the pocket of an old ragged coat belonging to an elderly man in Chicago, there was found, after his death, a will. According to Barbara Boyd, in the Washington Law Reporter, the man had been a lawyer, and the will was written in a firm clear hand on a few scraps of paper. So unusual was it, that it was sent to another attorney; and so impressed was he with its contents, that he read it before the Chicago Bar Association and a resolution was passed ordering it probated. It is now on the records of Cook County Illinois.

I, Charles Lounsberry, being of sound and disposing mind and memory, do hereby make and publish this my Last Will and Testament, in order, as justly as may be, to distribute my interests in the world among succeeding men.

That part of my interests which is known in law and recognized in the sheep-bound volumes as my property, being inconsiderable and of no account, I make no disposition of in this, my Will. My right to live, being but a life estate, is not at my disposal, but, these things excepted, all else in the world I now proceed to devise and bequeath.

ITEM: I give to good fathers and mothers, in trust to their children, all good little words of praise and encouragement, and all quaint pet names and endearments; and I charge said parents to use them justly, but generously, as the deeds of their children shall require.

ITEM: I leave to children inclusively, but only for the term of their childhood, all, and every, the flowers of the field, and the blossoms of the woods, with the right to play among them freely according to the custom of children, warning them at the same time against the thistles and the thorns. And I devise to the children the banks of the brooks and the golden sands beneath the waters thereof, and the odors of the willows that dip therein, and the white clouds that float high over the giant trees.

And I leave the children the long, long days to be merry in a thousand ways, and the night and the moon and the train of the Milky Way to wonder at, but subject, nevertheless, to the rights hereinafter given to lovers.

ITEM: I devise to boys jointly all the idle fields and commons where ball may be played, all pleasant waters where one may swim, all snow-clad hills where one may coast, and all streams and ponds where one may fish, or where, when grim winter comes, one may skate, to have and to hold the same for the period of their boyhood. And all meadows, with the clover-blossoms and butterflies thereof; the woods with their appurtenances; the squirrels and birds and echoes and strange noises, and all distant places, which may be visited, together with the adventures there to be found. And I give to said boys, each his own place at the fireside at night, with all pictures that may be seen in the burning wood, to enjoy without hindrance and without any incumbrance of care.

ITEM: To lovers, I devise their imaginary world, with whatever they may need, as the stars of the sky, the red roses by the wall, the bloom of the hawthorn, the sweet strains of music, and anything else they may desire to figure to each other the lastingness and beauty of their love.

ITEM: To young men jointly, I devise and bequeath all boisterous inspiring sports of rivalry, and I give to them the disdain of weakness and undaunted confidence in their own strength. Though they are rude, I leave them to the powers to make lasting friendships, and of possessing companions, and to them exclusively I give all merry songs and brave choruses to sing with lusty voices.

ITEM: And to those who are no longer children, or youths, or lovers, I leave memory, and bequeath to them the volumes of the poems of Burns and Shakespeare, and of other poets, if there be any, to the end that they may live the old days over again, freely and fully without tithe or diminution.

ITEM: To the loved ones with snowy crowns, I bequeath the happiness of old age, the love and gratitude of their children until they fall asleep.

circle of life

2006-10-24T14:45:00.001+08:00

At any given day I would be in my room tucked in my bed either with a good pocketbook or an ever-so-constantly updated medical book. But today, this past week, or these past months is not like any given day. Remember the saying that goes "ang di marunong tumingin sa pinanggalingan ay di marunong makarating sa paroroonan". Well, I did just that and went back to my roots. If someone among the Dicang-Oyam clan would host a get-together, my mom would be the center of it all. For as long as I remember, she has been the one people go to in any occassion or for whatever purpose they might have. More or less, I've known their faces or names but pairing those up would be difficult for me. The past months are no more than a downhill or an uphill, it would be more of a very rocky road. The past months were more of an awakening for me of where I stood, of what I stood for. You see, I've spent most of my life ensconed in "my life". I've never bothered for the things that went on within my relatives. And one event of life ocurring twice would be an eye-opener for me, that my concerns in life does not just include me or my family but also to my other relatives as well. This year was a full year. At this age, I do have an apo, not really a direct one, but well being simplistic and all, I really do have an apo. Giving birth, living life, arriving the end of the road. A complete circle. A closure in a sense.

fragile: handle with care

2006-10-24T14:37:00.001+08:00

You may have heard of a person's second childhood in the lectures or around the hospital or maybe even in the T.V. I have heard of it, but never really have listened. A few days ago, I've seen my Grandma stripped of the personality she's been tagged with all of her life. In a mere fraction of a day, I've seen her go from an old lady whose presence commanded respect and voice toned with authority to a person so serene and so innocent. Her life riddled by paranioa was now erased by her new and authentic smile. But the going gets tough, in the hours that followed, with determination she fought off her sleep afraid of not waking up again... dozing off once in a while then checking if me and my mom were still beside her.The past that she has kept now visited her intervalled with lucid minutes. She continues to gaze into the distant past with glazed eyes and once in a while staring at people only she could see. She's gone from the picky eater to eating whatever was served. She, my lola, was the one who took care of me in my infant years. She took care of her many "apos" and in turn her "apos" are now beside her.

the list

2006-08-16T22:57:00.001+08:00

I've promised myself that I would log-in to the internet at midnight... well at least I can assure that I would be able to see THE LIST and not wait for the posting of it. But then, very like the other things I've promised myself, here I am waiting for the results of the medical boards. Waiting is very much part of the medical field that often times I loath it. :) Specially when you are so used do doing something and having your days planned and filled with so many things to do. Specially when you are waiting for a list that seemingly would sentence you for life. then after all the waiting... what now? I think I'll leave that to "que sera sera".

lola's leche flan

2006-08-04T10:05:00.001+08:00

I don't remember my grandma cooking leche flan, all I've remembered from her being in the kitchen is either cooking up a batch of potatoes (which she obtained by sacks!!!). It cost around 20 pesos per sack before. From salad to mashed to fried to whateever concoction, you name it, we lived on potatoes for a whole summer and still a lot to give away. Going back to leche flan, those who still can remember was that my lola would make leche flan back then for a living. So, being in a period of reminiscing, I looked up tons and tons of recipes of leche flan, read and asked for tips about making leche flan.

A good leche flan for me would be smooth, not too sweet, with a tinge of lemony flavor, not eggy, not bubbly, not too much caramel. I've liked the caramel running down the sides not the ones concentrated on the top, not too sweet to cover the lemony-vanilla flavor of the flan. I tried to skip the caramel, but then decided to experiment on it. So I came up with this recipe. not too sweet yet sinful to taste.

1 cup of muscovado sugar

12 large egg yolks

3 large eggs

1 cup granulated sugar

1 tsp of lemon flavoring (I didn't have lemon zest then)

2 tsp of vanilla flavoring

3 cups of fresh milk

I started to caramelize the muscovado sugar in medium heat, but then my dilemma was when it would caramelize, and since I was a beginner and didn't wan't to have a bitter caramel, decided to add water bit by bit until I attained the consistency I wanted. Quickly poured the caramel to the pans (I used the traditional oval flan pans) covered the bottom and sides and placed the pans into the refrigerator to cool.

Next the flan, I gently mixed, take note GENTLY, the remaining ingredients together. I didn't beat the eggs, which others would do initially. I just used a large spoon and mixed and mixed and mixed and mixed until the milk coulldn't be singled out and the sugar was dissolved. At this point, there was still discernible egg whites in the mixture. So strain I did do remove the solids and some of the egg whites. Pour the mixture in the caramelized flans

As far as I've read you can make the leche flan by baking or steaming. So since a day before I was making this I made a terrible disaster in the oven, steam it was. I proceeded to cover the pans with aluminum foil to avoid from water dripping into my experiment. Steamed for 25 or so minutes. I didn't know if it was ignorance or not but I used as toothpick to check, and it came out clean. Careful not to overcook the flan, I immediately took the flans out of the heat.

The verdict? The one's my aunt took didn't last for the day and at home, even my egg-avoiding grandma decided to end her vigil.

deep seated memories

2006-08-04T03:12:00.001+08:00

I’ve been reading old copies of Reader’s Digest lately and this one article was one that had struck a chord. An excerpt from Reader’s Digest December 1970 entitled “The Importance of Childhood Memories” which was condensed from Family Weekly and authored by Norman M. Lobsenz.

“… I have asked many friends to reach into their childhoods and tell me what they recall with greatest clarity. Almost always their mention similar moments – experiences or incidents not of any great importance. Not crises or traumas or triumphs, but things which although small in themselves carry sharp sensations of warmth and joy, or sometimes of pain…. My friend is a man who experiences the world as a busy place but who basically feels all right about it and about himself. His favorite childhood memory is both clue to and cause of his fundamental soundness.”

“Clearly, the power that parents have to shape the memories their children will carry involves an awesome responsibility. In this respect, nothing is trivial. What to a grown-up might seem a casual word or action often is, to a child, the kernel of a significant memory on which he will build. A grownups, we draw on these memories as sources of strength or weakness. Author Willa Cather saw this clearly “there are those early memories,” she wrote.” One cannot get another set; one has only those.”.”

In essence, our parents had the power to build the foundations of our characters, of who we will be. But then as our own selves, we have the choice to change or continue building what has been started for us. True that our earliest childhood memories play an integral part on who we are and how we are to the people around us. But later on we build memories for ourselves and memories for the little ones. As my mother had said and I quote… “there should be improvement of the race”. We learn and we change.

Venture into culinary cuisine

2006-08-03T21:30:00.001+08:00

For as long as i could remember, the menu at home would have a wide variety of viands, be it meat, seafood or veggies. It depends on who cooks (rarely us, as kids), the fresh food at the nearby farm, occasions or whatever else my mom would think of cooking if she had the time. But as genes and aging would have it, my line of family isn't that fortunate. So as I buried myself in books and info on medicine and the likes, my mom too taught herself of the foods that would likely cause the pruritus and inflammation of arthritis, of the sinfully sweet candies and desserts that would spike up the insulin and hence cause the see-saw of glucose of diabetes and the oil-laden and fat clogging properties of food that would bring the heart to a stop. Life too would put a twist into the now minute menu of our family. As development progressed the farms around us would be plowed through and the then soil would be replaced by cement and stones. To place a positive thing into development, it made cooking and baking into the reach of the do-it-yourself population, as the now "instant" world made easy the then boggling recipes. But the most gut and heart wrenching of the twists is the ever changing and ever mysterious appetite of our ever-dearest grandmother. These are a few of the reasons why I brave the culinary world, to experiment and innovate, to cater to my family

a kitchen with an amateur is not a recipe for disaster

2006-08-02T22:39:00.001+08:00

I've been in a hiatus these past 2 months and what more to fuel my boredom is a pantry full of baking ingredients and a very encouraging mom. So armed with recipes and courage to face the formidable oven, I've managed to concoct a few recipes of my own. Well of course, as a child I've loved science. No kidding. Not those scientific, geeky, nerdy things. The part where we get to experiment and bring unknown things together. So where else would I end up with the love of experimenting and food... the kitchen. Much to the dismay of my mom, I wouldnt' budge to her request of taking cooking classes. I kind of thought that being a graduate and all I would be able to follow the recipe right but then since being a wanna-be and all, I didn't discount the fact that even the wheather and science would still influence my baking. That's trial and error then. And we'll see how much error would push me to give up my dream of being a cook/baker.